Buttons? I got lots of stinking buttons!

So, lets say that you enjoy whimsical phrases and such... and into SF fandom... and go to conventions (cons).... beyond the outre costumes, aliens, witches and the like you notice one other thing:

Buttons.

Lots of buttons. Movie pictures. Quotations. Sayings. Phrases. And for each fandom, too: Trek (each series), Babylon 5, The Prisoner, Star Wars, Doctor Who....

And so I became a buttonaholic and finally made a vest of Buttonmail. Damn thing is hot and clanks like you wouldn't believe... and every so often a button works its way off of the vest. Silly things!

And so I hand you some of the apocrypha of fandom... yeah, like you needed that! So, some of my favorites follow...

"The map is not the territory, but you can't fold up the territory and put it in your glove compartment"

"Cthulhu Saves! In case he's hungry later" - Lots and lots of good Cthulhu... ummm.... funny Cthulhu? No... but if you need *ultimate* evil... and now the mandatory Cthulhu detour...

"Campus Crusade for Cthulhu--It found me."

"Don't blame me--I voted for Cthulhu!"

"Fun Guy from Yuggoth"

"When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect"

"What part of "Phn'glui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn" didn't you understand?" - It's 'ftagn'!

"Do not awaken the ancient evil, YOU MORON!" - Yes, people should have learned that by now... back to your everyday sayings.... beware the slime on the doorstep...

"How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way! Unique up on it!"

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate" - Loved that in chemistry class.

"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth" - Is TOO!

"All power corrupts, but we need the electricity--D. W. Jones"

"My words are carved in stone, as befits a real viking. Well, stored in silicon--it's almost the same thing, isn't it?"

"God created a 24-hour light and dark cycle. The angels asked, "What will You do next?" "Call it a day." "

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the street... the sidewalk... the lawn..." - Car Wars!

"I haven't sold my soul to Satan, but we have worked out a rent to own deal"

"There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line."

"Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people." - And the previous...

"Guns don't kill people, bullets do."

"What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?"

"You're awfully picky for someone from the twilight zone"

"What do you get if you have thirteen witches in a hot tub? A self-cleaning coven."

"Hubris is stealing the fire of the gods. Chutzpah is offering to sell it back."

"I went to the bathroom and they elected me Antichrist"

"If guns are outlawed, can we use phasers?"

"You could be replaced by an infinite number of monkeys"

"No one expects the Spammish repetition Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!"

"You can't have too many buttons--only too little surface area" - these folks never heard of multiple-overlapping layers, obviously.

"The plutonium fairy is a lot like the irony fairy, but without the subtlety." - Special Delivery for Iran!

"The battle of the Gulf was won on the playing fields of Atari."

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."

"Bad deity, bad! No apocalypse!"

"We're tired of third-rate incompetents in public office. We want first-rate incompetents." - YESH!

"When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy."

"We're sorry, the button you have reached is not in service. Please check the button and dial again, or ask the operator for assistance." - Heh!

"What's wrong with a waiting period before you publish a newspaper while the government checks the facts?" - First seen in the 1980's...

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!"

"What's large, gray, and not to the point? An irrelephant."

"You're here to save my soul? I'm here to test your faith." - Now let me go get a towel as its cold here without it coming from the shower...

"This is no ordinary fool you're dealing with."

"These are my opinions. If they were the biblical truth, your bushes would be burning. "

"Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw" - Ah, puns!

"Does 'anal retentive' have a hyphen? How about a colon?" - Yes. Next Question?

"I'm not politically incorrect--I'm euphemism challenged"

"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change."

"The fatherhood of God, the brotherhood of man, the neighborhood of Boston."

"The rings of Saturn are actually composed of lost airline luggage" - NOW can we get a space program?

"That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast."

"If it's long dark and green and its bite makes you scream, that's a moray."

"SECURITY....Protecting people like you from people like me." - I wasn't a security officer at a con... I was one at MANY of them...

"Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers."

"How to get out of jury duty--ask, "If we convict him, can we keep his stuff?" - You mean you DIDN'T KNOW THIS?

"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Interrogative"

"What do you think of the human race? I'd like an outsider's opinion."

"If you can read this, you're in range."

"Practice safe government--use kingdoms."

"God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts." - Too much of the latter, more of the former necessary, please!

"Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down." - Say 'hello' to Mr. Crowbar!

"I'm the most dangerous thing around--white trash with brains"

"The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now"

"Never offend with style when you can offend with substance."

"If this is tourist season, what's the bag limit?"

"Now let us peel back the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment." - It's all in the application, isn't it?

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five." - 12:00... 12:00... 12:00...

"Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone. "

"What does a pagan do at a parking meter? Reads the signs, calls the quarters, and pays tribute to Demeter." - While the rest of you are just saying a farewell to alms. Or suffering tithing pains.

"Assassins, Inc.--We aim to please"

"I've got nothing to say--don't make me say it twice."

"Carpe per diem" - Much better than an expense account.

"Few things are as ego-boosting as being kicked out of an anarchy convention for unruly behavior."

"The problem with the easy way out is that it's already been mined." - NEVER take the easy way out... its a trap and not falling into really PO's the enemy who spent so much time setting it... better to come up *behind* them...

"If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?"

"Strong typing is for people with weak minds." - BTDTGTTS.

"Have no fear--I never attack lesser beings."

"I am ready to meet my Maker--whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - EXACTLY!

"I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on water while I'm fishing!"

"Question Authority--ask me anything"

"Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process"

"I have a firm grip on reality--by the throat"

"Militant Agnostic--I don't know and you don't either!"

"No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy." - That is why they are called 'the enemy'.

"I loathe anyone who keeps dogs. They're cowards who don't have the courage to bite people themselves."

"I'm not pompous; I'm pedantic. There's a difference. Let me explain it to you." - In detail. By section, paragraph and sub-paragraph.... there WILL be a test.

"The impossible we do immediately. Miracles require 24 hours notice."

"I may not understand what you say, but I'll defend to the death my right to deny it." - Oh, yeah!

"I wasn't born Republican, Democrat, or yesterday"

"If I have offended you in any way...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"

"If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails"

"There you go again--thinking you have rights"

"If you don't like the way I drive, get out of the Batmobile"

"Let me control a planet's oxygen supply and I don't care who makes the laws!"

"Yesterday was the LAST day for complaints!"


Well, thats it for now... don't own *all* of those, but a goodly number... and *lots* more...

And remember... "No matter where you go. There you are."