23 February 2010

It's for your own good

Tiger Woods.

Yup, the poor guy got sex addiction.  Needs treatment, donchyaknow?

Certifiable condition, tends to cluster in the rich and famous but still a malady to be recognized.  No?

I mean if it were simple adultery, wouldn't folks come out and say so?  Cheating on one's wife is a well known problem, but not a clinical one.  Sex addiction on the other hand... what a destructive bane to society, isn't it?

Yes I can foresee the day of lovely, splendid, wonderful National Health Care, where a 'National Market' is created by government and, because it is the creation of government, can get federal oversight and regulation.  This will be a great boon to all!  And top of the list of things it can cure, absolutely, 100% is: sex addiction.

With sex addiction being a malady and it being a wrenching, home wrecking experience with great emotional and economic cost to the people involved, it must gain oversight.  Like all addictions it must be regulated.  And, how fortunate, the federal government in creating a 'National Market' will be poised to do just that.

That day will arrive when you are at a coffee shop (decaf only, no creamers or sweeteners) or a bar (serving 3.2 beer or watered down wine coolers) and you see someone who is attractive to you... you walk over, introduce yourself and get into a nice conversation that just might lead somewhere.  Until you have to take out your comparison lists of what is sexually attractive to you, what you get enjoyment from and what your allowed days for sexual activity are.  Too bad if he is on the Tu,Th,Su schedule at 35 and she is on the M,W,F schedule at 29.  Plus you have far too many interests in each other and so your satisfaction scores would be too high to afford.

Too high to afford?

Why, yes, don't you know that sex addiction is caused by enjoying too much sex in a promiscuous fashion?

Can't have that!

For there to be anything going on you would need compatible days and generally low levels of interest so as not to make any activity too exciting of fulfilling.  If you did do that you would be taxed due to the chances of coming down with sex addiction, as this is risky behavior.  In the good name of eliminating sex addiction the federal government, via this disease, can regulate that no one have good and enjoyable sex.

Just like in the 19th century, sex is a duty to the state and for your physical health, not for your enjoyment.

But, on the plus side, the government would also run a mandatory matchmaker service that pairs you up with available but not too interesting partners to ensure your sexual health.  Have a great interest in good looking individuals of the opposite sex?  Too much danger in that, you will find that those less good looking ones with unattractive features and habits are more of what you need, not what you want.  Getting what you want will get you in trouble.

Just look at Tiger Woods!

This would also mean that all the sex manuals and sexual liberation ideas can be relegated to the musty basements of the Roman Catholic Church, just where they belong.  Or at the basement of your local federal sexual health clinic that you report to so as to have them oversee how much and how much enjoyment you get out of sex in your life.  Probably have to wear a sensor with heart and pulse rate monitors and maybe some unobtrusive chemical sensors, as well, to see exactly how aroused you get during sexual stimulation.  Once they have zeroed in on your needs, you can then have a nice update to your profile coordinated with you government sponsored physician, who can then ensure that medications are moderating your sexual desire properly.

Unified systems are such a good benefit for government, now, aren't they?

Of course gays and lesbians would find that their social agenda involves members of the opposite sex, but that is all in the name of curing sexual addiction: can't be too attracted to your partner and you do have a duty to government to procreate so that your children can pay for your care.  Really, deadbeats on the sexual front can be taxed, fined and even thrown in jail for not doing their duty to government.  Those with same sex interests may get scheduled for those generally unattractive to them, of course, but once every couple of months should be enough for sexual health maintenance.  And there are plenty of federal felons willing to help out in that venue!

Of course this is also a great source of revenue, this removing sex addition business, as the government can license out clinics of moderately attractive individuals who find sex a chore, but necessary, to service the public.  For that service you would pay the government a fee to help maintain the employment of these government workers.  Sexual maintenance clinics are not those unlicensed brothels!  Federal facilities are clean and sanitary, just like the sex.  No those unlicensed brothels are a bane to society and will be shut down for not paying their sexual tax allotment due to the number of individuals served and the high interest in unregulated sex.  The government can regulate a black market, as we found out in the Raich decision.

Having fun while having sex?  What a quaint notion.

Look at all the miserable people who can't find anyone, who have poor sex and those who enjoy it far too much getting addicted to it.  Obviously this must be a controlled activity and who better to do it than 'experts' and bureaucrats enacting regulations given by the lovely health care ideas of Congress and the political Left?  In no time at all equality of opportunity will be replaced with equality of results, and no one will ever think about having good sex, again.

Its for your own good.

The state says so.

Do as it says.

Or pay the price.


If you are humor deprived and cannot see this article as gentle mockery or satire, then you do need some help.

I'm sure the federal government will be helping in that, too... just too many people having a good time with humor out there.  Its probably addictive.  Needs to be regulated, taxed, fined and kept in line to approved humor.


M. Rigmaiden said...

AJ, now that was hella funny!!!!

A Jacksonian said...

Ah, thank you, M'lady!

All those lovely arguments for all the things we really 'should' get from government do have a dark side... just apply them in the right direction and you get humor. Dark humor at times, yes...