11 February 2006

Some words I have given in Saving Hope on the beingness of Gray

Once in a while I flip through the "Next Blog" button and see what else there is around out there. For the most part I just end up flagging SPAM sites meant to catch search engines (you would think that those doing so would find something more interesting to do in their lives). But once in a great while I find something worth commenting on, and thus I found Saving Hope.

I have given my expression of Gray before, but the most succinct and generative of the idea is from Babylon 5:

"Summoned, I take the place that has been prepared for me. I am Grey. I stand between the candle and the star. We are Grey. We stand between the darkness and the light."
Delenn, All Alone in the Night

And so I needed to respond to this post at Saving Hope:

How does one cope with loss... my life no worse nor no better, each in its own way to me. I cannot suffer the pain you feel, yet know some loss thats mine. Life's sure and steady track was broken early on, by mind and body both. Wracked and wrecked the dreams were slashed, by my harsh reality that the order of my life was not directly my own to see.

And so the Iron hand of fate, handed me a blow, staggering me so harshly and yet down I would not go. Loss did hurt and it did pain, and so easy to let will slip; but determined I ever was to meet my body's grip. Through routine and reason I saw that life moves on, though the past is mourned and its loss is felt it needs be dealt with every day. To deal with that betrayal I acknowledged that my life was my own to lose; and dearer to me those choices yet left for me to choose.

So two decades on I make those choices every living day, dealing with dear betrayal in which I had no say. And fate pulls up a second hand, and deals me again, a second round of losses that shake my very ground. Reason slips and routine mounts, around a solid core. I will struggle to help others, until I can help myself no more.

And so now I walk the shadowlands, between dream and waking lands, still as Gray as I ever was, the light behind me still. The pain is deep and ever thus, yet still I hold my ground; for my time's not up so long as my will is here to sound. It is not the firmest place I stand, but fate has dealt it so; and here I stand to keep those safe that see only into the light. Those that first stare into blackness, despair of lacking of the light.

I hold my hand out to those who have seen full blackness ill; and ask them if they can stand up and swallow the bitter pill. You are no longer blinded by life's sweet light entire, but know that looking into the darkness does not swallow you entire. If you can stand up again, and glance into the light, you will find it more precious now than even at your first sight.

It is hard to stand against injustice, when handed out by fate. But accepting blackness in entire snuffs out your lovely light. Find courage to stand within yourself and know you're not alone. Once tis done you will find ability to see, into darkness fully and see what we can see. For you are Gray in your own way, as I am in my own, and you can look at darkness and feel its chill winds blow. Many have been called to here, between the darkness and the light, but those few are chosen who choose it on their own. Your loss is deep within your soul, a loss you can only know, and only you can know if you can say you are more than such loss can show.

You see the dark full face on, and shiver for want of light, yet once you look from that depth and down to the ground, you will see that you stand as Gray between darkness and the light. All you hold dear is yours to keep, to defend and let them know; that darkness does not define your soul nor lightness in entire. We are Gray that stand here to know that darkness well, and let the light show us those dangers it reveals. So that we may protect the light and keep it safe so those we love may live. We define our losses so that they do not consume, for if those that have seen the darkness a dark thread in fate's vast loom, and we let that weave stop, then end is thus assured. But black threads woven with light turn us Gray if we accept, that mantle to protect and love and give our hearts to those that still live.

You will find your place to be Gray if you do accept, just as I now walk the borderlands of wake and dream and night. But even though it is your own, your sideways glance will find, that there are many Gray beside you looking deep into that night. We keep, protect and fight, each in our own way, to keep the dying of the light forever far away. We know we must do this because we have seen what darkness does, stealing what lives it can to warm its dark chill depth. But we know that if it swallows Light, all we love will go, and so we mourn protectors who falter from such blows.

When you stand and look one last upon that dearest light, you will smile as you turn to look into the deepest night. Your purpose now defined, if you can protect the Light. You are Gray, as am I and others that take that stand, to turn our backs to the light and be warmed by it and the gift it gives us to protect that which is the right.

I am sorry if this does not scan, but my fingers move as they will as they often do. I send you my deepest sympathies and hope you understand that.

Thus endith that response. It speaks for itself, I feel.

Many feel hurt and self-pity when trying to deal with life's harsh lashes, until you see another walk by who deals with far, far more and they still stand upright and offer Hope. I have that feeling all the time, now, yet must accept my limitations. And so I was moved to respond to this post at Saving Hope:

Often times the light shines brighter,
So you can see your shadow cast.

And then realize it does so,
As a giant passed.

You realize your stature,
And then realize again.

The giant doth face outward,
A friend of your known ken.

And together you face outwards,
And the giant takes a step.

And then its stature fades,
It was one of you, by a single step,

Closer into the light and,
That one was warmer still.

And brought you that sweet warmth,
To keep out the deep chill.

Now together you stand as One,
In that misty land of Gray.

Your hopes and needs together,
Neither will you fade away.

So long as you stand your ground,
Together, Gray with Gray.

Written as the hand desired, I am sorry for any problems in parsing/diction/meter... the hands move as they will.

And thus endith that response.

Put out as-is, make of it what you will.

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