That old Maverick kit just ain't what it used to be

Originally a response of mine in a post at Mr. Z's. Now presented here with all spelling and syntax kept intact so you can know the deficiencies of the writer.

To: John McCain
From: Maverick, Inc.

Dear Mr. McCain,

As you are aware your order of the Maverick Political Surprise Kit in the year 2000 came with a scheduled payment system that was to include an initial 30 day free trial period. Your retention of the Kit without payment has now forced us to bring action against you so as to regain the money due, with interest, to Maverick, Inc.

Additionally your misuse of the Maverick Political Surprise Kit has caused much problem to our company, and has caused many individuals seeking said kit to decide against it. Further, your misrepresentation of our fine product by you has caused harm to our legal standing on a National and Global basis, and the return of Kits from individuals seeking full refunds, even after their Kit's expiration date has run out.

At least they paid for theirs which is something, may I point out, that you, Mr. McCain, have not done. As such you have not gained the free updates to our Maverick Political Surprise Kit, so you may be unaware of the toxic side-effects of the mishandling and misuse of it upon yourself and surrounding individuals. That is part of the full-payment system and your inability to pay, in full, for our product means that through no fault of our own you have kept to a type of Maverick Political Surprise Kit system which is very outdated and not representative, at all, of our current product.

Maverick, Inc. cannot be held liable for any damages caused to you or others by your willful neglect of ensuring for prompt payment, which you acknowledged was well within your budget. Thus we are also seeking punitive damages, on the order of $1.2 trillion dollars for your cumulative neglect to the company for the Nation of the United States, of which Maverick, Inc. is the sole proprietor of the Maverick Political Surprise Kit and it may only be used within the confines of the Nation as written into law by the Founders, who ensured that there would always be a Maverick Political Surprise Kit available to each generation. They, apparently, could read the instructions on the Kit of their times, which is something you have proven unable to do with the version you took out for a Trial period.

Maverick, Inc. asks that you stop all use of your 1999 version of the Maverick Political Surprise Kit and return all portions of it not expended by you during these past years.

For your own health, and that of the Nation, we ask that you stop all use of the Maverick Political Surprise Kit so as to do no further damage to your health or that of the Nation.

Sincerely,

The Estate of Benjamin Franklin
Holders of Maverick, Inc.