15 March 2006

Still alive, just tired

Saw the endocrinologist yesterday... wakefulness was down as was energy, concentration at peak... no changes. He doesn't recommend the sort of thing I am doing for normal patients, but he also cannot argue with results.

Still waiting for NuVigil and Attenace to hit the market, either of which have *got* to be better than standard ProVigil for me. This peak/trough cycle for wakefulness, energy and concentration with each going independently and non-predictably is awful. I can be nearly asleep, have barely enough energy to keep my head up and have my mind in full attentiveness... and then there are times my body has energy, I am barely awake and can barely concentrate on anything. And times when I am awake but lacking the other two. Sometimes I can get two out of three for a few hours. If I am *really* lucky I can get all three at a relatively high level, although one or two may be on a downslope. Similarly I can have all three in the deficeit area, but with one or two on the upslope...

I can sleep well, but not awake *rested*. This has been true since Oct or so of 2004.

My dreams edge into reality and reality starts to soften a bit with a dream-like quality.

There is a portion of my mind that controls interaction via typing that seems to function pretty much at the old normal level, but it is resorting to older means of phraseology so as to get and formulate ideas and compile them. So I often sound like someone from the 19th century or one of the more flowery pulp fiction writers of the early 20th. That portion is not under full conscious control, but serves pretty well to get ideas across that I have not consciously put together.

Very interesting to watch ideas move about as they come out and realize that the conscious input into them is only that of some minor editing on the fly. Not disturbing, truly, for that portion of my mind does continue on in older ways, but I can no longer use higher cognitive skills to take in its information and thoroughly formulate them and recast them. THAT is frustrating, seeing a part of one's mind dancing with ideas like that and not knowing where it is going with them... but, decades of rigorous thinking and analysis still hold sway there, in their own way.

So that is where I am today. Minor trip yesterday, exhausted today, needing to recover some to get out of Dodge in the near future. Dry terrain, but not southern desert as the various life forms there are difficult to cope with while having cats. Cooler, more northerly. Able to put up with colder winters, so long as they are *dry* winters. And hot summers so long as they are *dry*.

Once started it will take a month or three to get the move done. Probably to a rent-to-own situation so as to more thoroughly scope out the target area. If anything turns up that is inhospitable in the long run, then a re-look in a year or so.

That is it for future plans. Once started I expect to be mainly absent for some time. When I recover I will see if I have energy to continue putting my ideas out. The ones that needed saying are out there, now, so the urgent imperative is gone. I have other pursuits that can keep me busy that I do not share with others... that is the way I am. But no matter what I do or where I go, my spirit and outlook remain much the same.

I treat others rightly as best I can and try to ensure that any harm I do is minimal.

I take blame when I have done wrong and seek no limelight when I have done right.

We build this nation together, each in our own way.

When you seek to tear down others, be warned that the ground you stand upon is weakened in the doing.

I will not be traveling for some weeks yet, but once started I must needs give it concentration. I expect recovery from that and the ensuing move will drain me thoroughly for a number of months. If my thoughts and plans that I had put together when I was thoroughly well have been done well, then I will actually see some greater recovery.

If you are amazed at the things I have thought and given out in recent times are wonderful or far beyond the norm, I thank you. Many are from my previous days when I was well, and I have just given them their due place. And those that I have developed since are truly disorganized scraps, things I would not be proud of in former times as I they would not suit my rigorous thoughts and analysis. All my New Orleans thoughts and ideas on Privateering and the Global War on Transnational Terror fall into that category.

Well, I ramble and needs must have a meal now. Check the blood sugar, count the carbs, compensate and see where things head after that... today will probably be a loss.

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